Qiulian
by 9574
Summary: The Autumn Lotus was never a savior. [A/N Pure headcanon Melinda May backstory]
1. Prologue

**LOCATION: CLASSIFIED. 08:43PM. INTERROGATION.**

"_Do you know how drowning feels like?_"

Something cold streaks through my spine. A sudden, unnerving chill that races down my back and I could feel myself begin to shudder. Her eyes are wide as they look at me intently. Wide, as if daring me to answer her question. And I cannot help but wonder.

"_Do you want me to tell you how it feels like?_"

The corners of her mouth twitch upward slightly, and then she smiles. Beams. At me. And I see no pretense in the gesture. No hesitance, not even the slightest, but a thousand wordless questions form in my head. What the hell is this woman doing?

"_It feels like—_"

She tips her head to the right slowly, casts her gaze away from me. I feel myself exhale. She did not seem to notice.

"_—dreaming._"

For a second. I saw that. There was a flash in her eyes, it was there. For a second.

"_Yes, it feels like dreaming._"

I am not sure. The room seems just as bright as it had been when I entered, just as empty. Just me and her, chairs and a table. Yet, she became clearer somehow. Under the fluorescent lamps, it's as if the shadows on her face had faded away. Shadows that… were there… but were not, and she just… appeared. I could see her more clearly. Her eyes. That smile. I could see her. I could _feel_ her mocking me.

"_There _is _pain, of course. Panic, fear, helplessness. And pain. _Physical _pain… you would feel it just before the dream starts._"

I use the throbbing in my hand as an excuse to look away from her. I need a second.

A scribble hangs abruptly ended at the bottom of my pad and the space between my thumb and index finger is dented from the clip on my pen. I didn't think my grip had been too hard.

"_Like a fire, spreading across your chest, burning through you from the inside. It… blazes… within your lungs… and it feels as if you are being consumed inside out. And you can't do anything but feel it. Feel yourself burning. Alive._"

She places her fingers on the edge of the table, just as I lift my eyes back to her face. She is still looking at me intently. Still mocking me with that smile.

"_You would think seconds feel like eternity._"

I felt a heavy breath escape from me and I lean back on my chair a little bit. I could sense her watching my every move. The room suddenly feels so crowded.

"_Then, just when you think you can't handle anymore, the pain just… fades away. And the dream starts._"

She casts her eyes down and purses her lips. Like she was taking a discreet bow from the monologue I never asked from her. I still think twice before breathing.

"So, you've drowned in water before. What does that have to do with my question?"

"I never said that."

"Then, what was the point of describing the entire process to me?"

"I never said I drowned in water."

"Answer my question."

"I have drowned, yes—,"

_A beat._

"I drowned in blood."

_ She locks her eyes on me._

"My blood."

_I cannot look away from her._

"But _she_ woke me from the dream. Dragged me back to the surface with her. Not to live, but to suffer. Again. To suffer _more_."

_She smiles again. Wider than before._

"Do you know the Autumn Lotus?"


	2. In the Dark

"Bàba, it is too dark!"

She balled her hands into tight fists, her shoulders rising slightly as she pinned her arms down by her sides. The sound of her own voice echoed around her.

"It is too dark, bàba, I cannot see!"

She heard a rustle behind her and turned instinctively toward it. Raising her hands up, she tried to assume the stance taught to her. Another rustle, a more distant one, and she turned again toward it as swiftly as she could.

"Bàba, where are you?"

She let out a huff and her fingers curled inward as she relaxed her stance.

"Bà— aah!"

A light but sudden poke to her stomach interrupted her, as she yelped instead from the tickle, suppressing a giggle from escaping her lips with a pout.

"I told you to find me. Not to talk."

She noted where her father's voice was coming from and waited for another rustle. There was nothing.

"Where am I, Melinda?"

She was certain his voice was coming from the same place. Letting out a breath, she ran in its direction, arms outstretched in front of her. She kept running, but her hands were grabbing nothing but the wind.

"I can hear you," she tried to sound as intimidating as she possibly could. "I can hear you, bàba. I will find you."

"Where am I?"

His breath was warm against her ear and she beamed widely as she turned, expecting to catch her father behind her. Still nothing. She stomped her foot on the ground and ran her fingers down her hair in one swift motion, impatience building up inside her.

"Listen," her father's voice cut through the silence and she could practically feel him reading through her. How he was doing it, she could not tell. It was far too dark yet he seemed to know every which way she was running. He seemed to know what she was feeling. His voice became less teasing. It became less of a game and more of an order. A gentle one, but still an order. "Find me, Melinda. Where am I?"

She cocked her head to the right without her even realizing. 'Listen, he said,' she repeated to herself silently. Listen. _Listen_.

There was a short, quiet breath released somewhere on her left side. A slight thud behind her and a quick gust of wind on her right. Her head followed the sounds unconsciously as she waited. She shifted her position slightly to the left and took a half-step forward. Three more seconds. Two. One.

Quickly, she geared her entire body sharply to the front again and charged. She ran as fast as she could. Fast as her legs could carry her. Until a strong pair of arms caught her, stopping her momentum abruptly. She felt them lift and toss her in the air and catch her once more, the sound of her father's laugh filling her ears.

"I am here! You found me!" he hugged her tightly and she felt him kiss the top of her head. "I am here, little one. You found me."

* * *

"I have had enough of your games."

Her mother's voice was calm but stern as she spoke, one hand firmly holding Melinda's chin in place and the other, rubbing away the dirt on her cheeks with a wet washcloth. Melinda knew better than to test her temper right now.

"I have had enough of you two staying out late at this time of the night."

Melinda stayed quiet but could not help grinning widely as she watched her father stand up from his chair and walk toward them. He winked at her, smiling, and embraced her mother from behind.

"I am training our daughter. She has to learn."

She felt her mother tilt her head slightly to the right and then to the left, still with the same stern expression on her face as she looked at her.

"Change your clothes and go to bed."

Melinda nodded, moving to obey the order straight away, but was stopped in her tracks as her father lifted her again and tickled her. She squirmed and giggled until she felt her feet touch the floor once more.

Her father crouched down to her height and pinched her nose playfully. "Good night, little soldier."

"Good night, bàba," she whispered and gave her father a quick kiss on the cheek. She looked up to her mother, whose face had seemed to lighten a little, and grinned cheekily.

"Good night, mama," she bowed and scurried up the stairs.

Her ears caught her parents' conversation just as she reached the landing.

"_I really wish you would stop pushing her toward that._"

"_Toward what?_"

"_That life. _Our _life. She shouldn't have to-_"

"_Beloved one, you know as well as I that our daughter does not have much of a choice._"

"_But she's a child!_"

"_Yes, our child. _My _child and _yours. _She needs to be prepared to face the life set for her and I—"_

Melinda heard her father's voice break. She willed herself not to run back down and demand to know what was going on.

"_You and your people can only do so much to protect her. She has to learn to protect herself, and I… I want to be the one to teach her. I want her to learn everything._"

A low whisper and a quiet sob was all she could make out from her mother's reply.

"_…the only thing I would ever regret. To live is the only option I want her to have. Then, I would be at peace._"

She rose slowly and walked as silently as she could to her room, shutting the door behind her. She did not understand exactly what her parents were saying in that conversation, but she was certain they were talking about her. She would be stupid if she thought they were not talking about her, and she was not that. She was not stupid.

'What did they mean?' everything ran again and again in her head. 'Life? People? Protect myself from what?'

She closed her eyes to feign sleep. Mama would be coming in to check on her anytime now. She stayed still. As still as she could while struggling to contain the racing thoughts in her mind.

'To live is my only option? What does that mean? What does Bàba mean? He would be at peace?'

Her bedroom door creaked as it opened. She heard her mother's slippers thumping lightly on the hardwood floor toward her. Mama always checked for fluttering eyelids.

Melinda held in a breath, praying that she looked convincingly asleep, and felt herself shiver from the unexpected sensation of fingers gently brushing against her cheek. She opened her eyes to see her mother already walking toward the door.

"Good night, Melinda."

Mama was gone before she could even ask one question.


End file.
